DOMESTIC ABUSE 101: Spiritual Abuse Part 1

I would like to preface this post, with the following:

So far in these posts, I have covered information about physical, sexual and financial abuse. Today I will attempt to cover some aspects of Spiritual Abuse, which is a very serious issue and one that can have long lasting spiritual damage on victims of abuse. Again, these posts are not intended to cover every aspect or symptom of abuse in these areas, but to begin to give some clarification as to what qualifies as abuse in these areas.

There is something I would like to address first, before I begin. I am well aware there is a distaste going on in the Church about using the term "victims of abuse", but that is how I will address the people involved, because when someone is living beyond their ability to control what is happening to them, they are indeed victims, just as we would say that someone is a shooting victim, murder victim, extortion victim, etc, and it would not matter if they were a Christian or not, they would be called victims even though they had their identity in Christ. Everyone who has suffered the evil of abuse, can move to be a survivor as well, just as we would call a shooting victim who lived through it, a survivor of the shooting. I think playing on words and the structure of what we are going to call people, simply dumbs down the evil that is being perpetrated against women. Dumbing down evil, is never God's way of dealing with it. While living in abuse, they are victims of it. If a person has been kidnapped, they remain a kidnapping victim, until they are released by their captor. Victims of abuse, are actually held captive by their abuser. I will explain this in a future post.

We all are aware that Christians should be well versed in their identity in Christ, but what needs to be known and understood, is that victims of abuse have been robbed of their identity. In the healing phase, it is vital that they re-learn their identity in every way, but when a victim arrives at your doorstep, and you say to her "That's not who you are! You are not a 'victim'!" it only serves to further confuse her and make her feel guilty, as if it is yet again her fault that she is in the abuse she is living in. It also symbolizes to a victim, that she is not being heard, no one is really listening. So please, do not address the issue of a victim's identity in Christ, until she is ready to do so. She needs room to heal and it must be given to her, if she is to do so. It would seem to me that attempting to convince any victim in any form, that they are not "really" a victim of whatever has happened to them, borders on brainwashing them into believing something they cannot yet even grasp. Having their identity in Christ, does not change the fact that evil has happened to them. The problem with domestic abuse, is that the victim is also a victim of identity theft.

For too long, it seems the Church has been lacking in a rightful definition of what abuse is or is not and also lacking in education about abuse and what can and should be done about it. There is no protocol in most Churches, that has a distinct way of handling abuse victims, when they initially report abuse. I will discuss all of these issues and more in my future posts.

Domestic Abuse 101: Spiritual Abuse Part 1

This post, will be the second most difficult to write, due to the unintentional ability to give offense to others in leadership, by just addressing the issue of spiritual abuse. I would guess that many in the Church have been guilty of the sin of spiritual abuse at one time or another. It is always sin when it occurs. This post is intended to educate and give insight into the epidemic that appears to have begun, years ago, in the Church. The spiritual abuse of women who are victims of domestic abuse, by the Church leaders and the local visible Church, is running rampant.

Let me try to define this form of abuse. Spiritual abuse is when a person who holds the position as a spiritual leader (including a spouse), uses that position to try to get someone else to follow his/her directions. It is when a leader (or spouse) uses their "position of power" to manipulate, control or dominate another person. Spiritual abuse, as in all forms of abuse, is prompted by a sense of entitlement. A person in a leadership position (or spouse) believes their advice and interpretations should be heeded by others. Underneath this is the sense the one in leadership (as in a husband being the head) has better insight, education and knowledge than others can have or hold, simply due to their position. When the leader (or spouse) postures him/herself in this mode, they show that they are not truly concerned for the person they are lording their position over or taking into account what is best for the other person's spiritual and emotional well-being. It can also include a leader (or spouse) making another person "feel" that their spiritual ability or understanding is not as "good" as the leader's (or spouse's) spiritual ability or understanding. Often people who are being spiritually abused by leadership are told they must be true to and follow the leaders in their Church or denomination.

I will be discussing first, what spiritual abuse within the marriage looks like. Because spiritual abuse can take many forms, as can all abuse, I will talk about what a husband might say or do within the marriage that would constitute spiritual abuse. Again, I am speaking of a husband who professes to be a Christian, and again, these are just a few examples and are not all inclusive of all the ways spiritual abuse could be perpetrated against a victim.

Example: He may make her listen to him read the Word to her, because he states she cannot understand it for herself. He may remind her constantly that she is "the weaker sex" and that she needs a monitor and someone to oversee all she does. Doing this empowers him, albeit wrongly. He may use the wrongful interpretation of Scripture, that a husband is to wash his wife in the Word. (I will address this teaching later) He also may use the Bible to lord over her his position as the husband and therefore the "head of the home", to manipulate or guilt her into doing what he wants her to do; or he may use the Word of God in misappropriated interpretations, to do the same. He may quote Scripture to her in order to condemn or guilt her. He may tell her that her actions or behavior are sinful, when there is no sin in what she is doing. These basic descriptions cover a vast array of situations anywhere from keeping the home to the sexual relationship and finances. He may also question the Bible and say he does not believe certain teachings of it. He may cause her to doubt her own faith by asking questions like, "So do you still foolishly believe God is going to help us?" or "Where is your God now?", when something stressful in the home is happening, such as the finances are lacking. He may suggest that she depend more on him than on God, because he is her head. He may use the Bible as a weapon, twisting the Scriptures to fit his agenda.

Spiritual abuse is anytime a spouse uses "God" or His Word as a tool to manipulate, cause doubt, control, guilt, shame or ridicule and abuse the other spouse. It is done with the intention of maintaining or gaining control over the abused spouse. As in any other form of abuse, it is very damaging to the victim and leaves lasting scars in the woman's relationship with God. A woman is never told by God to remain in any situation, including marriage, where her faith is constantly trying to be robbed from her. The abuser needs to have his victim all to himself and does not desire to share her with anyone, even God. All spiritual abuse is an attempt to separate the victim from God.

Deut. 13:6-11: "If your brother, the son of your mother, or your son or your daughter or the wife (or husband) you embrace or your friend who is as your own soul entices you secretly, saying, "Let us go and serve other gods", which neither you nor your fathers have known, some of the gods of the peoples who are around you whether near you or far off from you, from the one end of the earth to the other, you shall not yield to him or listen to him, NOR SHALL YOUR EYE PITY HIM, NOR SHALL YOU SPARE HIM, NOR SHALL YOU CONCEAL HIM. But you shall kill him. Your hand shall be first against him to put him to death and afterward all the hand of the people. You shall stone him to death with stones because he sought to draw you away from the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery." ESV (emphasis mine)

I believe this Scripture text is pretty clear. God takes very seriously, anyone, whether spouse or child or a best friend, who would try to draw you away from the Lord. Spiritual abuse is an attempt to draw one away from the Lord and put the other person's eyes on the "leader", whether in the home or in the local Church. Of course we do not exercise the punishments of the "law" today, so the equivalent would be to get away from anyone who would try to lead us away from God. These verses do not tell us to stay and have compassion, be understanding and try to work through this "difficulty". These verses very strongly imply to us that we are to end whatever relationship existed. We are not to pity or spare or conceal this person.

So, what would this behavior in the above verses look like today? Well, we do not see spouses who parade as Christians, hauling in idols for the spouse to bow down to, nor do we usually see them bring in false religions or books and make demands for the spouse to follow them. What we do see, is the subtle and evil works of a person parading as a Christian, trying to breakdown their victim through making them doubt and question their beliefs; by causing or setting up events to happen that cause the believing spouse to wonder if God hears her prayers; by causing a victim to forget God loves her; by robbing the victim of the knowledge of her identity in Christ; by using Scripture and twisting it or misinterpreting it, to cause confusion as to who God is, so the abuser can get his way; or by using the Word to berate and guilt her until her knowledge and understanding of who God is either deteriorates or becomes broken down. Some people believe this cannot happen, but it can and does. This is why God speaks so strongly in opposition to living your life with a spouse, relative or friend, who would cause you to stumble and fall this way?

Let me address the portion that says, "secretly (in a secret way; without others (including you) knowing) entices you..."(to lead on by exciting hope or desire; allure; attract or tempt by offering pleasure or advantage). What does it mean to be secretly enticed? It means you don't know it is happening. It means you are being coerced or led to do something secretly. It means you may not be aware that you are even making those decisions. Does the abusive spouse have to say, "Let's go serve other gods"? No. It means they are secretly enticing you. They may be planting seeds of doubt or planting questions in your mind about the God you serve. These are just a few examples and can be used by either someone who says they are a Christian, or by someone who acknowledges themselves to be an unbeliever. In either case, the Scripture still applies. We are to separate ourselves from them, period.

I will address in a future post, why counseling abusers can be so very dangerous and why we are not just dealing with a "pride problem", as some would try to have us believe.

It is vital that when a woman shares the abuse that is happening within her marriage, that the issue of spiritual abuse be taken as seriously as any other form(s) of abuse.

In Spiritual Abuse Part 2, I will discuss spiritual abuse within the local Church as it pertains to what is consistently happening to victims of domestic abuse when they come forward to report abuse in their marriages.