DOMESTIC ABUSE 101:

Domestic Abuse: Financial Abuse

This post will discuss aspects of what financial abuse in a marriage looks like. Again, this post cannot be all inclusive of every aspect of what constitutes financial abuse, but I will hopefully give some examples. When writing these posts, I prefer to use the term "spouse" instead of husband or wife, but sometimes for clarity, I will use husband (he) or wife (she) instead. I am not doing so in order to make anyone believe that only women are abused in marriage. Men can be abused as well, although the incident appears to be much lower.

I realize that people are probably wondering why these posts are written with a Christian marriage in mind, but I assure you folks, these kinds of abuse are happening in the "Christian marriage", all the time. I have my own thoughts on that subject.

In marriage, it is not uncommon for one spouse to have the responsibility of the finances. That in and of itself, is not abuse, if the other spouse does not take exception with it and if the spouse in charge allows the other spouse to know what is going on financially in the home. There are also marriages where the bills are not paid without both spouses being present and discussing the finances. In marriage, these are personal choices and should not be considered abuse, just because one person takes charge of the finances. I know several women who would appreciate having that happen! However I would personally recommend that both spouses have good insight into the finances and discuss expenditures and accountability, as a matter of protection. Finances is high on the list of causes of divorce.

What does constitute abuse is when one spouse takes the finances away from the other spouse in order to exercise control in an abusive manner. The husband may begin to give an allowance to the other wife or make her beg for money, simply for groceries or gas. He may use sex favors that benefit him before handing over the checkbook. These tactics allow the abusive spouse the ability to control the other spouse, which is his goal. The abusive spouse may also begin belittling the wife, accusing her of poor money management, instead of simply helping and teaching her how to use the finances.

The other side of this picture is when one spouse leaves all the financial work in the home to one spouse and has no picture of where the home is financially. This is not done because of trust on the husband's part, but because he wishes to blame his wife for any financial failure or poor money management that may happen. In his mind, it relieves him of any responsibility concerning the management of the finances.

There are many factors that indicate financial abuse is happening and I will detail some here, just to give a better picture of what financial abuse may look like:

1) A husband who has had no participation in the finances, then comes in and makes demands for large sums of money for his own personal use, such as a private vacation. When the wife tells him there is not enough money for his demands, he begins to demean and question her maliciously.

2) Accusing the wife of hiding money for herself.

3) Accusing the wife of giving his money to others. (i.e. family or boyfriend, etc.)

4) A husband who makes demands for an accounting of every penny the wife has spent.

5) A husband who removes the wife's name from a joint checking account, takes all the money and puts it into his own individual personal account, where she now has no access to any money.

6) A husband, for example, pays a weekly amount that is so small, she cannot feed or fully care for the family.

7) A husband who keeps assets only in his own name.

8) A husband who sells his wife's assets without her consent.

9) A husband who destroys the wife's possessions.

10) A husband who keeps all the bills in his name, or makes the wife put all the bills in her name.

11) A wife may be forced to take a job she does not want to take, or to have to switch her career to something other than the career she was pursuing, or she may be forced not to work.

12) A husband who takes personal vacations and leaves the wife with no funds with which to care for the home and kids while he is away.

13) A husband who refuses to let the wife in on the finances or speak to her about them.

14) A husband who tells his wife there is not enough money in the finances for her to either purchase something she needs or desires; or who refuses her a trip to see family or friends, when the finances are available for her to do so. In other words, he uses the finances to control his wife's whereabouts, what she wears and her life in general.

15) A husband who refuses to work or refuses to take a job where he would make enough money to provide for his family and yet refuses to allow the wife to work outside the home to help make ends meet.

Again, these examples are not all inclusive and the posture can be reversed from "A husband" to "A wife".

These are just some examples. There could be plenty more, but for time and space sake, I will just give these. You may always leave a comment and I will answer, if you have questions about something I have not included or addressed in my posts.

The goal of the abuser when he financially abuses, is to isolate the woman and leave her without the financial means she needs to operate the home, care for the family and function in her own life. His goal may be to hide money or keep money from her because he fears she will leave. It may also be that he sees the money as his and she has no right to it. Another reason for financial abuse is that he may intend to divorce her and does not want her to have any financial means with which to defend herself, by being able to hire an attorney. This allows the abuser a head start on gaining custody of his children.

If a woman is being financially abused in her marriage, there is a very high probability that the woman is also being abused in other ways. The financial abuse may be just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes financial abuse follows other forms of abuse, but in other instances, financial abuse was always present. If financial abuse begins and it is a new form of abuse in the marriage, that indicates that the abuse is escalating. Please take financial abuse seriously. I have seen so many women suffer the effects of this once they reach the Courts and they have no way to defend themselves against the abuser and the abuse they have suffered.