Domestic Abuse 101: Physical Abuse

This article is written to define what is abuse and to identify when it is happening in a marriage. These will be relatively direct posts, intended to make people who think they "understand" and "know all about abuse", to think hard about what they are doing. I think it's important to stop blaming God for the deaths of victims of abuse by saying, "God is sovereign" or "Well, God let it happen" and instead start saying, "God gave us a chance to be educated and prevent this, but we failed". Maybe He allows these things to humble us and show us we are not handling this epidemic rightly. Maybe. 

I will attempt to address each area of domestic abuse one topic and article at a time. I will start with what most people believe is the most dangerous form of domestic abuse, physical. These articles are not to be presumed to contain every detail or every preventive measure to take, but are simply meant to make people, in particular uneducated church counselors, ask themselves this question: Do I really know what I am dealing with and can I give the best help to victims of abuse, or should I be implementing professionals in this? The answer to that question is almost always, no, I don't know what I'm dealing with and yes, I should implement the experts. 

Abuse is defined as a repetitive behavior that comes in cycles at varying times, that consists of one spouse exercising a power and control over the other spouse that instills fear and confusion in the victim and begins to deteriorate the victim's self-worth and identity. This can be any form of behavior. Abuse has no boundaries. Abuse can take the form of physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial or spiritual. As time goes by, these cycles tend to become closer together and the abuse can escalate and escalate quickly. 

Physical abuse is pretty straight forward, but individuals attempting to counsel or help a victim of abuse need to know the full scale of what is defined as physical abuse. It is not just a spouse striking, choking or beating the victim. It also entails holding the victim against their will; holding them down; blocking them from leaving a room; backing them into a corner; holding a door shut so they cannot escape; throwing or kicking objects either at them directly or around them; intimidating a victim in anyway so they fear for their physical safety. So when deciding if a victim is being physically abused, all of these examples above should be considered. While physical abuse is considered the most dangerous form of abuse, this is an error because physical wounds may heal, but the emotional damage done may not. Any woman being physically abused in any manner described above needs to promptly leave their home and go to a shelter for protection, unless they have another place to go where they can be safe and their abuser cannot find them. Biblically speaking, the police should always be involved, as domestic abuse is a crime and the police are there to lawfully protect victims of abuse. 

While some churches have stepped up to the plate and are creating what are called "safe homes" or safe places for the victim to flee to, they need to know that they may be just endangering another family. Domestic abuse should be handled by people who are deeply educated in the mind of abusers and how to help the victims, who have a great understanding of the dynamics of abuse. 

Here are some examples of why it should be this way: Did you know that when the church family takes in a victim, believing the abuser will not know where their victim is, that there is a greater than 90% chance that in fact the abuser knows exactly where their victim is? Did you know that when a church family takes in an abuse victim without an Order of Protection against the abuser, that the abuser has full legal right to show up at that family's home? Did you know if you call the police at that point that unless you have an OP in effect, that you will be told there is nothing they can do and they cannot take the abuser into custody unless he has assaulted someone? Did you know that means the abuser will be told to leave but there is nothing to prevent him from returning later? Maybe with a gun? Did you know that abusers can be expert hackers and that the victim has a high probability that her computer, phone and vehicle may all have trackers on them? This enables the abuser to know where his victim is at all times? Did you know the most dangerous time for abuse victims is when they leave their abuser? That means that wherever they flee to are in the same amount of danger. This is why shelters were implemented. I am not suggesting that a shelter is the only safe place, but am stating that wherever a victim flees to, whoever is involved needs to be highly educated in an abuser's tactics in order for the place the victim flees to, to be truly safe for all involved. 

Do you remember the Texas Church shooting? There was nothing to prevent this from happening, except taking abuse seriously and implementing people into the story who know and understand abuse and who could have given armed safety to the other churchgoers. 

I truly hope that people will begin to make wise decisions about how to truly help victims of domestic abuse (in all its forms) and begin to take domestic abuse seriously and not try to be spiritual heroes. Obviously, there is a place for biblical counseling in people's lives and if used appropriately, the victim can benefit from that as well, as we try to help them heal from the travesty, evil and wickedness perpetrated by domestic abuse, but our counsel should never replace the real help they need to get back the life God gave