DOMESTIC ABUSE 101

Domestic Abuse 101: Sexual Abuse

1 Corinthians 7:3-4: "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."

This is the second post in this series, describing and educating about areas of domestic abuse. The first one was on physical abuse. As note previously, all abuse can take on forms that are not mentioned in these posts, so these posts are not limiting abuse to only what I list and discuss. I also want to clarify that I am speaking of nonconsensual issues in this post, but I also want to caution that some women become so lost in abuse, that they believe they have no opinion, rights or thoughts anymore. They can lose the ability to distinguish between right and wrong, because they are in essence, brainwashed. They have been repeatedly told that they are at fault and victims tend to believe that. Anyone counseling a victim of abuse, needs to be aware of this component of abuse.

This post is on the issue of sexual abuse in marriage. I am not addressing relationships or crimes outside of marriage.

Sexual abuse in marriage is the same as sexual abuse or assault outside of marriage. It is defined as physically forced or emotionally coerced sexual activity outside of the boundaries of consensual sex based on mutual love and respect within the bounds of marriage. This form of abuse usually takes on the same identities as those outside of marriage, meaning rape, whether by physical or emotional force. This entails the abuser forcing his demands for sexual activity without consideration of the wants, needs or desires of the spouse. This of course can include vaginal rape, sodomy rape (anal or oral) or emotionally abusing a spouse who does not desire to have sexual relations at a given time. Emotionally abusing a spouse because they either do not wish to participate in a sexual encounter or because they have been requested to do something sexually that they believe is wrong or immoral, is not sexual abuse, but emotional abuse. Sexual abuse also takes the form of a spouse demanding sex several times a day and the victim feels she has no right to say no, or demanding sex in locations that are inappropriate. Sexual abuse is also non-consensual groping, pulling, pinching or exposing.

Other areas of emotional abuse of a sexual nature would be pornography, coercing or forcing "immoral dress-up" or letter writing. The issue of viewing pornography is pretty clear, but some abusers force their wives to watch porn with them, through coercion or threat of harm. Another form of abuse is playing "dress-up" in a derogatory way that is demeaning to the woman and simply used to fulfill lust and fantasies in the man. This usually involves a form of what Christians would consider immoral behavior, where the woman is coerced or forced to put on clothing that demeans her as a Christian woman and makes her feel like she is being used sexually by her husband. Next, I will address "letter or note writing". This involves a spouse writing descriptive letters to the other spouse, describing in detail every lustful thing he wants, experiences or feels and makes her read them in front of him, just to see her squirm or embarrass and humiliate her.  It is also abuse if a spouse forces and demands that he be in the doctor's office in order to watch the doctor perform gynecological exams on his wife or in the dressing room with his wife so he can watch her take off her clothes.

I want to give caution in this area. Abusers will claim that their victim complied with the abuser's request to do any or all of the things mentioned in the foregoing paragraphs, so it was not abuse. But the abuser will fail to admit that the victims did it because they were coerced, manipulated or felt threat or intimidation and only complied based on the behavior of the abuser. A victim should not be faulted or blamed for compliance, because she felt "forced", due to the abusive, controlling, threatening or manipulative behavior of the abuser, which instills fear in the victim.

I have watched the Scripture quoted above, be used against women in heinous ways. Usually what I have found is that the first portion of the verse, "For the wife does not have authority over her own body" is all that is taught or heard. I have sat in conferences in my lifetime, where only the first part of that verse was read. Those leaders never seemed to be able to read the writing in the second part of that verse. Women are often being told that they have no rights or choices when it comes to the sexual relationship in marriage. They are beaten with the verses on submission and told that "having a headache is no excuse to deny your man". The woman is further pushed down the slope of despair. It always seemed funny to me that the verse, "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church", seem to vanish into thin air when it came to the sexual relationship in marriage.

So, let's look at this verse and define it and interpret it as it should be rightly understood. What the Scripture really says is that neither the husband nor the wife, have authority over their own bodies, but the other spouse holds that authority. Don't forget now, we are speaking of mutual honor, respect and equality of men and women in marriage. Roles may differ, but they are equals. Hence, if a woman is not up to having sexual relations, she has authority over her husband's body to say "Not tonight". The same goes for the husband. This is not a battle for authority! This is to let mutual love and respect govern each other's expectations of the other spouse. Is there ever a time that one spouse can make demands on the other, because they hold authority over their body? No! The thought here is that you love someone and hold authority to govern what that husband or wife does with their body and you are to guard it at all cost keeping in mind, that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and we are to act in love, honor and purity toward one another, with patience and understanding. That means no forceful behavior, no manipulation, no threats, no coercion, no emotional abuse and no asking either spouse to violate their conscience, ever.

The fact is that women violate their consciences all the time in order to fulfill this Scripture, as it has wrongly been taught and presented to them. They are victims of sexual abuse in marriage, whenever they violate their own conscience in order to give the other spouse what they demand sexually.  They have performed something that felt wrong to them. No one should ever violate their conscience, in order to satisfy the needs of the other spouse. This is sin to the one who violates their conscience.

Using manipulation, threats, coercion and abusive power and control to get what you want, is abuse. Abuse is never to be welcomed into the marriage bed. No excuses.

(I will address the portion of this post regarding "emotional abuse" when I write that post.)