DOMESTIC ABUSE 101: Spiritual Abuse Part 1

I would like to preface this post, with the following:

So far in these posts, I have covered information about physical, sexual and financial abuse. Today I will attempt to cover some aspects of Spiritual Abuse, which is a very serious issue and one that can have long lasting spiritual damage on victims of abuse. Again, these posts are not intended to cover every aspect or symptom of abuse in these areas, but to begin to give some clarification as to what qualifies as abuse in these areas.

There is something I would like to address first, before I begin. I am well aware there is a distaste going on in the Church about using the term "victims of abuse", but that is how I will address the people involved, because when someone is living beyond their ability to control what is happening to them, they are indeed victims, just as we would say that someone is a shooting victim, murder victim, extortion victim, etc, and it would not matter if they were a Christian or not, they would be called victims even though they had their identity in Christ. Everyone who has suffered the evil of abuse, can move to be a survivor as well, just as we would call a shooting victim who lived through it, a survivor of the shooting. I think playing on words and the structure of what we are going to call people, simply dumbs down the evil that is being perpetrated against women. Dumbing down evil, is never God's way of dealing with it. While living in abuse, they are victims of it. If a person has been kidnapped, they remain a kidnapping victim, until they are released by their captor. Victims of abuse, are actually held captive by their abuser. I will explain this in a future post.

We all are aware that Christians should be well versed in their identity in Christ, but what needs to be known and understood, is that victims of abuse have been robbed of their identity. In the healing phase, it is vital that they re-learn their identity in every way, but when a victim arrives at your doorstep, and you say to her "That's not who you are! You are not a 'victim'!" it only serves to further confuse her and make her feel guilty, as if it is yet again her fault that she is in the abuse she is living in. It also symbolizes to a victim, that she is not being heard, no one is really listening. So please, do not address the issue of a victim's identity in Christ, until she is ready to do so. She needs room to heal and it must be given to her, if she is to do so. It would seem to me that attempting to convince any victim in any form, that they are not "really" a victim of whatever has happened to them, borders on brainwashing them into believing something they cannot yet even grasp. Having their identity in Christ, does not change the fact that evil has happened to them. The problem with domestic abuse, is that the victim is also a victim of identity theft.

For too long, it seems the Church has been lacking in a rightful definition of what abuse is or is not and also lacking in education about abuse and what can and should be done about it. There is no protocol in most Churches, that has a distinct way of handling abuse victims, when they initially report abuse. I will discuss all of these issues and more in my future posts.

Domestic Abuse 101: Spiritual Abuse Part 1

This post, will be the second most difficult to write, due to the unintentional ability to give offense to others in leadership, by just addressing the issue of spiritual abuse. I would guess that many in the Church have been guilty of the sin of spiritual abuse at one time or another. It is always sin when it occurs. This post is intended to educate and give insight into the epidemic that appears to have begun, years ago, in the Church. The spiritual abuse of women who are victims of domestic abuse, by the Church leaders and the local visible Church, is running rampant.

Let me try to define this form of abuse. Spiritual abuse is when a person who holds the position as a spiritual leader (including a spouse), uses that position to try to get someone else to follow his/her directions. It is when a leader (or spouse) uses their "position of power" to manipulate, control or dominate another person. Spiritual abuse, as in all forms of abuse, is prompted by a sense of entitlement. A person in a leadership position (or spouse) believes their advice and interpretations should be heeded by others. Underneath this is the sense the one in leadership (as in a husband being the head) has better insight, education and knowledge than others can have or hold, simply due to their position. When the leader (or spouse) postures him/herself in this mode, they show that they are not truly concerned for the person they are lording their position over or taking into account what is best for the other person's spiritual and emotional well-being. It can also include a leader (or spouse) making another person "feel" that their spiritual ability or understanding is not as "good" as the leader's (or spouse's) spiritual ability or understanding. Often people who are being spiritually abused by leadership are told they must be true to and follow the leaders in their Church or denomination.

I will be discussing first, what spiritual abuse within the marriage looks like. Because spiritual abuse can take many forms, as can all abuse, I will talk about what a husband might say or do within the marriage that would constitute spiritual abuse. Again, I am speaking of a husband who professes to be a Christian, and again, these are just a few examples and are not all inclusive of all the ways spiritual abuse could be perpetrated against a victim.

Example: He may make her listen to him read the Word to her, because he states she cannot understand it for herself. He may remind her constantly that she is "the weaker sex" and that she needs a monitor and someone to oversee all she does. Doing this empowers him, albeit wrongly. He may use the wrongful interpretation of Scripture, that a husband is to wash his wife in the Word. (I will address this teaching later) He also may use the Bible to lord over her his position as the husband and therefore the "head of the home", to manipulate or guilt her into doing what he wants her to do; or he may use the Word of God in misappropriated interpretations, to do the same. He may quote Scripture to her in order to condemn or guilt her. He may tell her that her actions or behavior are sinful, when there is no sin in what she is doing. These basic descriptions cover a vast array of situations anywhere from keeping the home to the sexual relationship and finances. He may also question the Bible and say he does not believe certain teachings of it. He may cause her to doubt her own faith by asking questions like, "So do you still foolishly believe God is going to help us?" or "Where is your God now?", when something stressful in the home is happening, such as the finances are lacking. He may suggest that she depend more on him than on God, because he is her head. He may use the Bible as a weapon, twisting the Scriptures to fit his agenda.

Spiritual abuse is anytime a spouse uses "God" or His Word as a tool to manipulate, cause doubt, control, guilt, shame or ridicule and abuse the other spouse. It is done with the intention of maintaining or gaining control over the abused spouse. As in any other form of abuse, it is very damaging to the victim and leaves lasting scars in the woman's relationship with God. A woman is never told by God to remain in any situation, including marriage, where her faith is constantly trying to be robbed from her. The abuser needs to have his victim all to himself and does not desire to share her with anyone, even God. All spiritual abuse is an attempt to separate the victim from God.

Deut. 13:6-11: "If your brother, the son of your mother, or your son or your daughter or the wife (or husband) you embrace or your friend who is as your own soul entices you secretly, saying, "Let us go and serve other gods", which neither you nor your fathers have known, some of the gods of the peoples who are around you whether near you or far off from you, from the one end of the earth to the other, you shall not yield to him or listen to him, NOR SHALL YOUR EYE PITY HIM, NOR SHALL YOU SPARE HIM, NOR SHALL YOU CONCEAL HIM. But you shall kill him. Your hand shall be first against him to put him to death and afterward all the hand of the people. You shall stone him to death with stones because he sought to draw you away from the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery." ESV (emphasis mine)

I believe this Scripture text is pretty clear. God takes very seriously, anyone, whether spouse or child or a best friend, who would try to draw you away from the Lord. Spiritual abuse is an attempt to draw one away from the Lord and put the other person's eyes on the "leader", whether in the home or in the local Church. Of course we do not exercise the punishments of the "law" today, so the equivalent would be to get away from anyone who would try to lead us away from God. These verses do not tell us to stay and have compassion, be understanding and try to work through this "difficulty". These verses very strongly imply to us that we are to end whatever relationship existed. We are not to pity or spare or conceal this person.

So, what would this behavior in the above verses look like today? Well, we do not see spouses who parade as Christians, hauling in idols for the spouse to bow down to, nor do we usually see them bring in false religions or books and make demands for the spouse to follow them. What we do see, is the subtle and evil works of a person parading as a Christian, trying to breakdown their victim through making them doubt and question their beliefs; by causing or setting up events to happen that cause the believing spouse to wonder if God hears her prayers; by causing a victim to forget God loves her; by robbing the victim of the knowledge of her identity in Christ; by using Scripture and twisting it or misinterpreting it, to cause confusion as to who God is, so the abuser can get his way; or by using the Word to berate and guilt her until her knowledge and understanding of who God is either deteriorates or becomes broken down. Some people believe this cannot happen, but it can and does. This is why God speaks so strongly in opposition to living your life with a spouse, relative or friend, who would cause you to stumble and fall this way?

Let me address the portion that says, "secretly (in a secret way; without others (including you) knowing) entices you..."(to lead on by exciting hope or desire; allure; attract or tempt by offering pleasure or advantage). What does it mean to be secretly enticed? It means you don't know it is happening. It means you are being coerced or led to do something secretly. It means you may not be aware that you are even making those decisions. Does the abusive spouse have to say, "Let's go serve other gods"? No. It means they are secretly enticing you. They may be planting seeds of doubt or planting questions in your mind about the God you serve. These are just a few examples and can be used by either someone who says they are a Christian, or by someone who acknowledges themselves to be an unbeliever. In either case, the Scripture still applies. We are to separate ourselves from them, period.

I will address in a future post, why counseling abusers can be so very dangerous and why we are not just dealing with a "pride problem", as some would try to have us believe.

It is vital that when a woman shares the abuse that is happening within her marriage, that the issue of spiritual abuse be taken as seriously as any other form(s) of abuse.

In Spiritual Abuse Part 2, I will discuss spiritual abuse within the local Church as it pertains to what is consistently happening to victims of domestic abuse when they come forward to report abuse in their marriages.

DOMESTIC ABUSE 101:

Domestic Abuse: Financial Abuse

This post will discuss aspects of what financial abuse in a marriage looks like. Again, this post cannot be all inclusive of every aspect of what constitutes financial abuse, but I will hopefully give some examples. When writing these posts, I prefer to use the term "spouse" instead of husband or wife, but sometimes for clarity, I will use husband (he) or wife (she) instead. I am not doing so in order to make anyone believe that only women are abused in marriage. Men can be abused as well, although the incident appears to be much lower.

I realize that people are probably wondering why these posts are written with a Christian marriage in mind, but I assure you folks, these kinds of abuse are happening in the "Christian marriage", all the time. I have my own thoughts on that subject.

In marriage, it is not uncommon for one spouse to have the responsibility of the finances. That in and of itself, is not abuse, if the other spouse does not take exception with it and if the spouse in charge allows the other spouse to know what is going on financially in the home. There are also marriages where the bills are not paid without both spouses being present and discussing the finances. In marriage, these are personal choices and should not be considered abuse, just because one person takes charge of the finances. I know several women who would appreciate having that happen! However I would personally recommend that both spouses have good insight into the finances and discuss expenditures and accountability, as a matter of protection. Finances is high on the list of causes of divorce.

What does constitute abuse is when one spouse takes the finances away from the other spouse in order to exercise control in an abusive manner. The husband may begin to give an allowance to the other wife or make her beg for money, simply for groceries or gas. He may use sex favors that benefit him before handing over the checkbook. These tactics allow the abusive spouse the ability to control the other spouse, which is his goal. The abusive spouse may also begin belittling the wife, accusing her of poor money management, instead of simply helping and teaching her how to use the finances.

The other side of this picture is when one spouse leaves all the financial work in the home to one spouse and has no picture of where the home is financially. This is not done because of trust on the husband's part, but because he wishes to blame his wife for any financial failure or poor money management that may happen. In his mind, it relieves him of any responsibility concerning the management of the finances.

There are many factors that indicate financial abuse is happening and I will detail some here, just to give a better picture of what financial abuse may look like:

1) A husband who has had no participation in the finances, then comes in and makes demands for large sums of money for his own personal use, such as a private vacation. When the wife tells him there is not enough money for his demands, he begins to demean and question her maliciously.

2) Accusing the wife of hiding money for herself.

3) Accusing the wife of giving his money to others. (i.e. family or boyfriend, etc.)

4) A husband who makes demands for an accounting of every penny the wife has spent.

5) A husband who removes the wife's name from a joint checking account, takes all the money and puts it into his own individual personal account, where she now has no access to any money.

6) A husband, for example, pays a weekly amount that is so small, she cannot feed or fully care for the family.

7) A husband who keeps assets only in his own name.

8) A husband who sells his wife's assets without her consent.

9) A husband who destroys the wife's possessions.

10) A husband who keeps all the bills in his name, or makes the wife put all the bills in her name.

11) A wife may be forced to take a job she does not want to take, or to have to switch her career to something other than the career she was pursuing, or she may be forced not to work.

12) A husband who takes personal vacations and leaves the wife with no funds with which to care for the home and kids while he is away.

13) A husband who refuses to let the wife in on the finances or speak to her about them.

14) A husband who tells his wife there is not enough money in the finances for her to either purchase something she needs or desires; or who refuses her a trip to see family or friends, when the finances are available for her to do so. In other words, he uses the finances to control his wife's whereabouts, what she wears and her life in general.

15) A husband who refuses to work or refuses to take a job where he would make enough money to provide for his family and yet refuses to allow the wife to work outside the home to help make ends meet.

Again, these examples are not all inclusive and the posture can be reversed from "A husband" to "A wife".

These are just some examples. There could be plenty more, but for time and space sake, I will just give these. You may always leave a comment and I will answer, if you have questions about something I have not included or addressed in my posts.

The goal of the abuser when he financially abuses, is to isolate the woman and leave her without the financial means she needs to operate the home, care for the family and function in her own life. His goal may be to hide money or keep money from her because he fears she will leave. It may also be that he sees the money as his and she has no right to it. Another reason for financial abuse is that he may intend to divorce her and does not want her to have any financial means with which to defend herself, by being able to hire an attorney. This allows the abuser a head start on gaining custody of his children.

If a woman is being financially abused in her marriage, there is a very high probability that the woman is also being abused in other ways. The financial abuse may be just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes financial abuse follows other forms of abuse, but in other instances, financial abuse was always present. If financial abuse begins and it is a new form of abuse in the marriage, that indicates that the abuse is escalating. Please take financial abuse seriously. I have seen so many women suffer the effects of this once they reach the Courts and they have no way to defend themselves against the abuser and the abuse they have suffered.

DOMESTIC ABUSE 101

Domestic Abuse 101: Sexual Abuse

1 Corinthians 7:3-4: "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."

This is the second post in this series, describing and educating about areas of domestic abuse. The first one was on physical abuse. As note previously, all abuse can take on forms that are not mentioned in these posts, so these posts are not limiting abuse to only what I list and discuss. I also want to clarify that I am speaking of nonconsensual issues in this post, but I also want to caution that some women become so lost in abuse, that they believe they have no opinion, rights or thoughts anymore. They can lose the ability to distinguish between right and wrong, because they are in essence, brainwashed. They have been repeatedly told that they are at fault and victims tend to believe that. Anyone counseling a victim of abuse, needs to be aware of this component of abuse.

This post is on the issue of sexual abuse in marriage. I am not addressing relationships or crimes outside of marriage.

Sexual abuse in marriage is the same as sexual abuse or assault outside of marriage. It is defined as physically forced or emotionally coerced sexual activity outside of the boundaries of consensual sex based on mutual love and respect within the bounds of marriage. This form of abuse usually takes on the same identities as those outside of marriage, meaning rape, whether by physical or emotional force. This entails the abuser forcing his demands for sexual activity without consideration of the wants, needs or desires of the spouse. This of course can include vaginal rape, sodomy rape (anal or oral) or emotionally abusing a spouse who does not desire to have sexual relations at a given time. Emotionally abusing a spouse because they either do not wish to participate in a sexual encounter or because they have been requested to do something sexually that they believe is wrong or immoral, is not sexual abuse, but emotional abuse. Sexual abuse also takes the form of a spouse demanding sex several times a day and the victim feels she has no right to say no, or demanding sex in locations that are inappropriate. Sexual abuse is also non-consensual groping, pulling, pinching or exposing.

Other areas of emotional abuse of a sexual nature would be pornography, coercing or forcing "immoral dress-up" or letter writing. The issue of viewing pornography is pretty clear, but some abusers force their wives to watch porn with them, through coercion or threat of harm. Another form of abuse is playing "dress-up" in a derogatory way that is demeaning to the woman and simply used to fulfill lust and fantasies in the man. This usually involves a form of what Christians would consider immoral behavior, where the woman is coerced or forced to put on clothing that demeans her as a Christian woman and makes her feel like she is being used sexually by her husband. Next, I will address "letter or note writing". This involves a spouse writing descriptive letters to the other spouse, describing in detail every lustful thing he wants, experiences or feels and makes her read them in front of him, just to see her squirm or embarrass and humiliate her.  It is also abuse if a spouse forces and demands that he be in the doctor's office in order to watch the doctor perform gynecological exams on his wife or in the dressing room with his wife so he can watch her take off her clothes.

I want to give caution in this area. Abusers will claim that their victim complied with the abuser's request to do any or all of the things mentioned in the foregoing paragraphs, so it was not abuse. But the abuser will fail to admit that the victims did it because they were coerced, manipulated or felt threat or intimidation and only complied based on the behavior of the abuser. A victim should not be faulted or blamed for compliance, because she felt "forced", due to the abusive, controlling, threatening or manipulative behavior of the abuser, which instills fear in the victim.

I have watched the Scripture quoted above, be used against women in heinous ways. Usually what I have found is that the first portion of the verse, "For the wife does not have authority over her own body" is all that is taught or heard. I have sat in conferences in my lifetime, where only the first part of that verse was read. Those leaders never seemed to be able to read the writing in the second part of that verse. Women are often being told that they have no rights or choices when it comes to the sexual relationship in marriage. They are beaten with the verses on submission and told that "having a headache is no excuse to deny your man". The woman is further pushed down the slope of despair. It always seemed funny to me that the verse, "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church", seem to vanish into thin air when it came to the sexual relationship in marriage.

So, let's look at this verse and define it and interpret it as it should be rightly understood. What the Scripture really says is that neither the husband nor the wife, have authority over their own bodies, but the other spouse holds that authority. Don't forget now, we are speaking of mutual honor, respect and equality of men and women in marriage. Roles may differ, but they are equals. Hence, if a woman is not up to having sexual relations, she has authority over her husband's body to say "Not tonight". The same goes for the husband. This is not a battle for authority! This is to let mutual love and respect govern each other's expectations of the other spouse. Is there ever a time that one spouse can make demands on the other, because they hold authority over their body? No! The thought here is that you love someone and hold authority to govern what that husband or wife does with their body and you are to guard it at all cost keeping in mind, that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and we are to act in love, honor and purity toward one another, with patience and understanding. That means no forceful behavior, no manipulation, no threats, no coercion, no emotional abuse and no asking either spouse to violate their conscience, ever.

The fact is that women violate their consciences all the time in order to fulfill this Scripture, as it has wrongly been taught and presented to them. They are victims of sexual abuse in marriage, whenever they violate their own conscience in order to give the other spouse what they demand sexually.  They have performed something that felt wrong to them. No one should ever violate their conscience, in order to satisfy the needs of the other spouse. This is sin to the one who violates their conscience.

Using manipulation, threats, coercion and abusive power and control to get what you want, is abuse. Abuse is never to be welcomed into the marriage bed. No excuses.

(I will address the portion of this post regarding "emotional abuse" when I write that post.)

Domestic Abuse 101: Physical Abuse

This article is written to define what is abuse and to identify when it is happening in a marriage. These will be relatively direct posts, intended to make people who think they "understand" and "know all about abuse", to think hard about what they are doing. I think it's important to stop blaming God for the deaths of victims of abuse by saying, "God is sovereign" or "Well, God let it happen" and instead start saying, "God gave us a chance to be educated and prevent this, but we failed". Maybe He allows these things to humble us and show us we are not handling this epidemic rightly. Maybe. 

I will attempt to address each area of domestic abuse one topic and article at a time. I will start with what most people believe is the most dangerous form of domestic abuse, physical. These articles are not to be presumed to contain every detail or every preventive measure to take, but are simply meant to make people, in particular uneducated church counselors, ask themselves this question: Do I really know what I am dealing with and can I give the best help to victims of abuse, or should I be implementing professionals in this? The answer to that question is almost always, no, I don't know what I'm dealing with and yes, I should implement the experts. 

Abuse is defined as a repetitive behavior that comes in cycles at varying times, that consists of one spouse exercising a power and control over the other spouse that instills fear and confusion in the victim and begins to deteriorate the victim's self-worth and identity. This can be any form of behavior. Abuse has no boundaries. Abuse can take the form of physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial or spiritual. As time goes by, these cycles tend to become closer together and the abuse can escalate and escalate quickly. 

Physical abuse is pretty straight forward, but individuals attempting to counsel or help a victim of abuse need to know the full scale of what is defined as physical abuse. It is not just a spouse striking, choking or beating the victim. It also entails holding the victim against their will; holding them down; blocking them from leaving a room; backing them into a corner; holding a door shut so they cannot escape; throwing or kicking objects either at them directly or around them; intimidating a victim in anyway so they fear for their physical safety. So when deciding if a victim is being physically abused, all of these examples above should be considered. While physical abuse is considered the most dangerous form of abuse, this is an error because physical wounds may heal, but the emotional damage done may not. Any woman being physically abused in any manner described above needs to promptly leave their home and go to a shelter for protection, unless they have another place to go where they can be safe and their abuser cannot find them. Biblically speaking, the police should always be involved, as domestic abuse is a crime and the police are there to lawfully protect victims of abuse. 

While some churches have stepped up to the plate and are creating what are called "safe homes" or safe places for the victim to flee to, they need to know that they may be just endangering another family. Domestic abuse should be handled by people who are deeply educated in the mind of abusers and how to help the victims, who have a great understanding of the dynamics of abuse. 

Here are some examples of why it should be this way: Did you know that when the church family takes in a victim, believing the abuser will not know where their victim is, that there is a greater than 90% chance that in fact the abuser knows exactly where their victim is? Did you know that when a church family takes in an abuse victim without an Order of Protection against the abuser, that the abuser has full legal right to show up at that family's home? Did you know if you call the police at that point that unless you have an OP in effect, that you will be told there is nothing they can do and they cannot take the abuser into custody unless he has assaulted someone? Did you know that means the abuser will be told to leave but there is nothing to prevent him from returning later? Maybe with a gun? Did you know that abusers can be expert hackers and that the victim has a high probability that her computer, phone and vehicle may all have trackers on them? This enables the abuser to know where his victim is at all times? Did you know the most dangerous time for abuse victims is when they leave their abuser? That means that wherever they flee to are in the same amount of danger. This is why shelters were implemented. I am not suggesting that a shelter is the only safe place, but am stating that wherever a victim flees to, whoever is involved needs to be highly educated in an abuser's tactics in order for the place the victim flees to, to be truly safe for all involved. 

Do you remember the Texas Church shooting? There was nothing to prevent this from happening, except taking abuse seriously and implementing people into the story who know and understand abuse and who could have given armed safety to the other churchgoers. 

I truly hope that people will begin to make wise decisions about how to truly help victims of domestic abuse (in all its forms) and begin to take domestic abuse seriously and not try to be spiritual heroes. Obviously, there is a place for biblical counseling in people's lives and if used appropriately, the victim can benefit from that as well, as we try to help them heal from the travesty, evil and wickedness perpetrated by domestic abuse, but our counsel should never replace the real help they need to get back the life God gave

Book Review: "Bravery, Bullies & Blowhards

I have not written under this blog for a very long time. Today I am hoping to change that. I am starting by sharing a review of the book, "Bravery, Bullies & Blowhards" by Lorna Stremcha. You may purchase this book through Amazon. I hope all who have been victimized, wherever that has happened: the home, workplace, church etc., will read this book.

Empathy, is the essence of love. A lack of empathy, results in books like Stremcha's having to be written. 

I am drawing my breath, deeply and slowly...

There is so much to be said about abuse in whatever form(s) it takes and wherever and whenever it happens, that unless people educate themselves and gain knowledge of this form of evil power and control, we will never be able to even slow this epidemic down. Abuse happens in the home, workplace, schools and even churches. It is high time we take a stand against the perpetrators who could care less whose lives they alter, damage or permanently change. 

This book is very well written. I found it hard to put down. Stremcha tells her story well with very few bits of repetition. It is poignant and intriguing. Bravery, Bullies & Blowhards is a book that draws the reader, keeps one interested and plays on every human emotion we were created to have. 

I myself, can relate well to this book, having had my own bullies and abusers in my lifetime. I recommend reading this book, to all who desire to see what happens when people who are bullies, abusers and narcissists who crave power and control, end up in positions of power and leadership and how able they are to bring unrelenting destruction to the lives of not just a few. 

When I read Stremcha's words of deep brokenness, depression and despair, the only thing I could think was, "Well congratulations boys! You almost broke her...almost...but not quite". The resolve of Stremcha, while being faced with the heinous abuse of the school system she diligently worked for, is applaudable. Her ability to regain her strength and live to write about it, is worthy of a standing ovation. 

TRAUMA. The past always affects the present. I will say it again and again. Educating ourselves on the topic of abuse is vital to being able to rightfully handle situations like Stremcha's. If anyone at all in that district had an ounce of training, they might have recognized the "triggers" that Stremcha was facing in dealing with this case from the very beginning. 

Trauma literally cuts pathways in our brains and when an event happens that "triggers" that past trauma, the brain is wired to go straight to the ruts cut by the past trauma. Our response to the current trauma is based on the old trauma. I saw this happening in the first chapter of her  book! It is unfortunate that no one was educated or seemed to care nor take the time to ask Stremcha why she felt so much trauma. In fact, the people in this book seemed to somehow enjoy watching Stremcha grope in her own trauma, while they willfully inflicted more upon her. 

A team of scandalous men and a few vindictive women, can make for a mean story. But this is not just a mean story or a story about mean men and their flying monkeys. No, this is about full-blown abusive tactics operating in the workplace, in a small-town school system, nonetheless. 

The one, most disturbing theme I found in Stremcha's book, was the eerily similar bureaucratic relationship between a school district and its administration, and the inexcusable abuse women are facing in their local churches. Stremcha's story could be told by many women who have tried to leave their abusive marriages, while the church they are in, try to force them to stay and when they won't, begin a full force witch hunt - just like the witch hunt perpetrated against Stremcha - and excommunicate the victims of abuse. There should never be this kind of similarity, but it was barking at me through her entire book.  

This story is true. It happened in my hometown where I grew up. My disappointment has never been so severe for this peaceful, wonderful little place. It's not the town itself, but the people who live there, who appear to have sat silent while one of my former classmate's wives was bludgeoned to near emotional and psychological death by a band of posses, from what seems "the Wild West". The silence from a community that should have banded together in support of Stremcha, left her to nearly singlehandedly address the abuse she was enduring and find resolve to try to save her job and her mind. I am filled with disgust. I know this community and the people who live there, or at least I thought I did. But the truth is, I know a lot of very,  very good people in this little town, who probably would have quickly stepped up, had they not been left in the dark or also been intimidated and fearful of the bureaucratic power that hovered over Stremcha. You see, the power an abusive entity holds over people is extreme. Abusers can silence anyone. They have the ability to make people retract when they should step up. They hold inept power for isolating and alienating their victims. Abusers know they hold this power and they wield it like a shiny sword. The group of flying monkeys revolving around in this particular school system, puts the wicked witch to shame. The gaslighting is as if they were professionally trained in it. The slow methodical "plink, plink, plink" of water dripping is a trademark of bullies and abusers. The slower the attack, the better. It brings them greater pleasure to watch their victims sweat and fall apart, day by day. The intimidation is that of a trained attack dog. The desire to protect the good from the pervading evil, isn't lacking...there is just not even a hint of it anywhere. 

The blame shifting and later on the abusers playing the victim role, are all typical of what abusers do. They shift and shade, hide and lie, twist and turn and suddenly they are a victim of the one they have been victimizing. 

There seems to be no thought from the establishment, about how their bad behavior was affecting the lives of the students either. These are the very ones they were supposed to be thinking about, teaching and helping. It sounds like a circus run amuck. The ape has gone mad and everyone is in danger!

The price for this kind of evil is always high. One of the very worst events in all of this is what happened to the kids. Some were either left lacking in skills they should have been taught, forced to take steps backwards, left undisciplined and encouraged to keep moving the wrong direction in life, or used as pawns in the "Let's get Stremcha" game. But one thing is for sure. They paid. The kids always pay. But people who bully, abuse and are narcissistic, just don't care. It will always be about their image before anything or anyone else. 

I truly hope that all involved in the attempts to destroy this woman's career and life, will step forward and admit now, what they had done, how wrong it all was and be truly sorry for it. But as is the case with nearly 100% of abuse cases, they can never admit nor own what they have done. What a loss, what a travesty. Only one question lingers. Who will hold people like these people, accountable? 

I highly recommend this book to victims of abuse everywhere. With a little insight, education and knowledge about human behavior, this book can be a good work to help educate the human race on what not to do when an abuser tries to make you his or her flying monkey! The lesson to be learned and implemented is, that if a community comes and stands together for what is right and just, it can change so many lives...for the better. That didn't seem to happen here, but that doesn't mean empathetic, educated people can't make it happen in the future. 

Run forward, Lorna. Just.keep.moving. 

All my best to the Stremcha family-